My Crippled Life- Self Love and Self Doubt

I’m tired. I’m jaded. I’m scared.

These are all the things I feel in regards to my career in the entertainment industry. My entire life I have hoped that there was more in store for me. I have so many ideas, and dreams and realities I’ve imagined for myself. None of them mediocre. Not that the life I’m currently living is mediocre, by many standards it most definitely is not. I am so grateful for all that I have. But in regards to my career I’m no where near where I thought I’d be. I thought by 28 I’d have a Grammy under my belt, and I’d be brunching with Adele, and Dolly Parton. Maybe have my own TV series opposite Zach Galifianakis and Leslie Mann. What an incredible life I’ve dreamt up. But in reality I work at my family owned business, and I have one album out, that I poured my heart and soul into, that no one has ever heard about. But I’ve never stopped making music or working on projects. I currently have three singles out and one on the way. In a life where you can get famous by a ridiculous TikTok just for being pretty or slightly funny, it’s tiresome to us who try day by day. I know I’m not the only one out there who feels this way. Maybe it’s selfish to speak on it but I can’t help myself. At times giving up sounds like the route I want to take. No, I’m gunna keep pushing, I’m gonna keep fighting and creating and working towards my dream.
After American Idol I thought my life would change…and thanks to this awesome pandemic it most certainly has. Although, not in the way I had hoped. Live performances were cancelled and studio time was rebooked. Music videos couldn’t be shot, and any traction from idol has faded by now. We live in a weird time, and I know I’m not alone when I say…it’s been rough. Let’s vocalize our challenges, let’s share how we really feel. We are always so quick to post the great things and that cute selfie (I am very guilty of this) but here I want to share that I’m not always cheerful, hopeful reach for the stars Marna. I am a disabled woman living in an abled world. I have chosen a career that perceives disabled as a curse rather than a gift. I love myself and my weird deformed body and that goes against society’s rules and habits.
This post isn’t about self love, it’s about self doubt, I have my days where I feel it and I’m owning that. With all that being said, I’ll go on, I’ll keep aiming high and never give up when I miss a shot. I love this platform you all have allowed me to create. And I’m so thankful for all of you who share your stories, whether they are inspiring or just plain raw and honest.

-Marna Michele